Arizona stinks!

I have always loved going to Phoenix-even in the heat of the summer, and Saturday I got to see Salt River Canyon for the first (and maybe only) time. my mom says I've been over that road before, but I was in the floorboard of the car trying not to be sick, so I didn't see anything. Two hours of winding treacherously around a canyon is an adrenaline rush not unlike jumping out of an airplane strapped to a guy wearing your only chute. I had white knuckles as all 10 fingers wrapped around the steering wheel, and I only diverted my gaze long enough to pull over once when my middle child was about the throw up. After every sharp curve, i would start to sigh with relief until I saw the series of hairpin turns coming up on the GPS. Glad we made it through that.

Also glad we made it through being pulled over TWICE in the great state of Stupid! The first time I was obeying the law carefully in a podunk town just passed the Salt River Canyon when the police car began tailgating me and finally stopped me. For what you ask? SO DID I! He just decided to run my plates and verify my license and registration. Didn't need a reason. I was after all in his town. They apparently do that there. I guess I look like an illegal alien or something.

The second time I got stopped, I was barely speeding. I had my cruise control set at the speed limit, but then there was a cluster of 18 wheelers, and I sped up a little to get past it.There were several other cars that flew past me (my brother-in-law included) when the highway patrol picked me out of the crowd to pull over. No ticket, but he wanted me to take off my sunglasses so he could see my eyes and roll down the windows so he could count the kids and see that they were in proper car seats. So weird! Needless to say, it left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I was relieved to cross the state line into California. At least in Texas when I've gotten stopped, it's been for legit reasons...just speeding in case you're wondering.

family vacations not for the faint of heart

Vacations are not relaxing for moms. I wish that had been in the contract: "by conceiving this child you understand that you are no longer going to enjoy leaving home with your offspring. You will be scrubbing poop and/or vomit without the usual home helps in a hotel or truck stop sink, and you will break down and cry at least once on every trip. Delays will be compounded exponentially by the number of children and their ages, and you and your spouse will likely not be speaking upon return to your home.

If you accept the terms of this arrangement, please continue with the conception. If you have changed your mind, embrace celibacy and book the next flight to a tropical locale you find!"

If this IS on the contract, it's in that super fine print they use on car ads, and it can't even be read with an electron microscope. When you find yourself on the side of the road wiping vomit off of the precious blankie with a wet wipe and hand sanitizer, it's too late to back out. You're too far from home to give up, and the kids are yours, so your committed until they finally commit you either to the nut house or the nursing home.

now I know why Rapunzel was really locked up!

If you have been blessed with a daughter, then heed this as a cautionary tale. This weekend I was cleaning the pool while Kailyn was entertaining me with a wild story about her boyfriend Jake. They're both fifteen (although I birthed her 4 years ago), and they have to live together and take care of each other because neither of them have parents. All they do is swim all day and cook dinner together. And he's REALLY cute! Then she told me she has another boyfriend named Flynn Colton, but she only needs one boyfriend to get married, so she's going to get rid of Flynn.

I love that girl, but if anyone's looking for me for the next hour, I'll be throwing out the TV and going to Home Depot to buy a deadbolt for her room! If you need Kailyn for the next 20 years, she'll be in her room.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

I love the summer, and I think the hotter it is the better I like it. Especially since this is the inaugural year of our swimming pool. We have been spending the majority of our time in the yard, even eating dinner out there most evenings. The two things I don't like are the 412 loads of wet towels that cycle between the floor, the washer/dryer, the table where I struggle to get the clean clothes folded and put away, and the ground outside. I'm thinking of having in industrial blower installed out back (like the kind that dries your car at the carwash) to blow dry the family and banish towels all together. I also hate that the brick patio will burn little feet in a matter of seconds. I have bought water shoes and flip flops for everyone, but they have to wear them to be effective, and that is a joke. If you sit on the ground to put on shoes, you burn your backside. If you step in a puddle in your flip flops, you're likely to land on your backside when the shoes hydroplane right out from under you. The only thing I can think of is to hire cabana boys to keep the patio hosed down and help the kids with the endless shoe nonsense. They would also come in handy to brace the little ones and keep them from blowing back into the pool when they're under the dryer. Now accepting applications.