Mom's Last Nerve is More Sensitive Than the Others

 Tonight I blew it...that's it. The story of my life summed up in four painful words. Once again in this crazy parenting side show, I lost my cool and screamed at my kids. When my angels are driving me mad, I say "you're getting on my nerves!" And some smarty pants always wants to know which nerve they're on because as long as it's not the last one, they're safe. Well this was one of those all too frequent times when they had no warning; they'd just stepped on all the nerves at once.
Here's the thing, my husband has a great job that has him home at a decent hour almost every night. Occasionally though, this week being one of those occasions, he has to travel out of town, leaving me home with the spawn of his loins all by my unprotected lonesome self. The kids see Daddy being away as a free-for-all because he's the parent who prepares healthy meals and sticks to the schedule. I get distracted (usually by laundry) and forget to put them to bed, after I've fed them take-out and sniffed their pits to see if bath time can fall by the wayside. Side-note to the hubs: There you have it, honey, all my dirty little secrets. You can never leave us because we would fall apart.
 So tonight's merriment included eating takeout on the patio while throwing the dog's ball (totally unsanitary while eating with one's hands, but if you don't throw the ball, the dog will lick your food. Either way you're eating dog slobber, but hey! Dad's not here to stop us and mom won't catch on for another five minutes because she's still helping with homework and trying to get the toothpaste stain out of a karate gi), spraying a sister with the water hose, and sneaking ice cream bites right out of the freezer while mom sorts 9,000 notes in three backpacks that all need to be signed and have checks attached.
I hit my breaking point when 2/3 of them thought me saying "go brush your teeth" was merely a suggestion and chose to ignore me.
At first yelling felt good. Not gonna lie, it released a bit of the tension I built up over the course of the aforementioned activities. Then I just felt like a bad mom. I hurt my babies' hearts and put them to bed feeling lousy. I hate getting into this cycle, but sometimes I feel powerless to overcome it. I am a Proverbs 14:29 What Not To Do. "People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness. (NLT) Now what? I did the only thing I could do after blowing it in my parenting. I backtracked. I apologized to my kids and kissed and hugged them again. I also reminded them that it's still important that they obey me even when Dad's not home. Then I came downstairs and read James chapter 3. His wise words speak truth about how difficult it is to tame our tongues and yet how valuable doing so is. Verse 18 renews my spirit that I can try again tomorrow  to be a "peacemaker [who] will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."
Lord, thank you for your mercy that covers my multitude of mistakes. Please help my kids turn out great in spite of them, and please oh PLEASE protect their father so that I never have to raise them on my own!

Where are all the mom bloggers of big kids?

I just read a blog post on www.homesanctuary.com that asked this question. It's a great read as Rachel Anne Ridge talks about how we become more isolated online as we morph into being a mom of an middle schooler.  Silent now are postings about the cute chaos of toddlerhood, sleepless nights, and pic comments like "OMG so PRESH." She's so right! It's not totes adorbs to post about mood swings, braces, acne, and homework meltdowns. Many of the circles that sustain and refresh preschool moms (MOPS, play groups, etc) are visibly missing for moms of 5th graders about to send their firstborns to the dog-eat-dog world of middle school. But we are still very present and very much in need of support from one another. On top of the drowning in the lost world of adolescent hormones and hurt feelings, (SO MANY FEELINGS!) many of us are also embarking into deep waters with ailing parents, career changes,  and even our own less than perfect health. Getting older is painful and scary, and I swear if I see one more skinny girl selfie with the post "I finally lost all my baby weight; it's about time!" while holding a 6 month old infant on her hip, I'm going off the social media grid with a box of cupcakes and a bottle of fine wine like I never could have afforded when my kids were in diapers. Sorry, that was random. I meant to say, even though we have braved the teething and potty training fronts and emerged victorious, we older moms still need one another. Who else will help me now that my daughter is whispering about cute boys for the first time or hold my hand in reassurance after I drive my oldest to the ER to get stitches for attempting ridiculous acrobatic feats with items salvaged from a dumpster? (true story. You can't make up that kind of crazy, folks) And neither can you warn a new mom that her angel face will be the one who pulls the fire alarm at church one day (not a King shenanigan, but true nonetheless)? There's no way to prepare someone for the stuff our older kids will do, but we can continue to be there for one another and share our adventures. Be a voice for your friend who needs to hear it. We shouldn't be lonely as we weed through this ugly phase of parenting, and we should still find humor and preciousness in our growing offspring, even when their shoes size and attitudes far exceed our own. Solidarity, sisters!

"Pearls" of Wisdom about Warty Toes...sort of

Here's a short biology lesson: Do you know how and why oysters make pearls? You did know pearls come from oysters, right? Well we can't all be experts at shellfish trivia. Oysters form pearls out of nacre, the same mineral substance that produces the shell of the mollusk, over time to cover an irritant such as sand that has entered its domain. The end result is a jewel.
Sometimes pain and suffering in life can produce pearls within us. God takes the bad experiences and works them for good in those who love him. (Romans 8:28) Need an example? A member of our family was senselessly murdered many years ago. His death led to one of his sons starting a ministry that has touched countless individuals.
Today I started thinking of the oyster metaphor pertaining to the urging of the Holy Spirit in my heart. If I ignore the Holy Spirit long enough, eventually I won't hear Him at all. It's sort of the same as the bivalve protecting itself from an irritant except the opposite. See, John 16:3 says of the Holy Spirit, "He will guide you into all truth." Therefore, his prompting, though it may seem irritating or painful when we are out of control, cannot possibly be a bad thing. It is the jewel. Yet, when we are unwilling to listen, we build a protective barrier to tune it out. Unlike nacre, which is just the science term for mother-of-pearl, our barrier is gross. Picture warts on a foot! A foot that not only has warts, but toenail fungus and corns. Maybe even a bunion or hammer toe.Now picture that the human connected to that hideous thing doesn't see a problem, so he (could also be a she, but my mind refuses to accept that a female would do this) walks around in flip flops displaying his grossness for the general public. I was going to include a pic of gross feet, but my Google search of images that fit the bill made me sick. You get the idea though that it ain't purdy. That's how our heart becomes when we ignore the Holy Spirit over time. Sometimes I know that's what I'm doing to myself, and sometimes I'm not so aware. That's why 1 Thessalonians 5:19 commands, "do not stifle the Holy Spirit" (NLT) God doesn't want my heart to look like a nasty foot! Nor does He want yours to. Need a spiritual pedicure? I'm not an educated professional on the subject, but I do know reading 1 Thes. 5 in its entirety is a great place to start. 

Consider the lilies of the field and the cold water wimps

Do you ever question how much God really cares about the day to day events of your life? Do you avoid bothering Him with the little details and hiccups you face constantly because, well, He's God, and He's got Ebola and war to deal with rather than your missing car keys? Take a load off and let me regale you with a true tale of just how much the little things do matter to The Almighty.

This is my soaking wet selfie I took yesterday to document why exactly I would be changing my relationship status from "married" to "widowed." You see, the weather was hot and summery, so the family (minus me) thought we should all go for a swim. This mama, who moonlights as the resident pool boy, knew the water temp was nowhere near the ballpark of the atmospheric temp, and if there's one thing I absolutely detest, it's cold water. Also mice and turnips. And dog hair on anything other than dogs . Wait, what was I talking about? Long story short, I was spontaneously included in the back yard Polar Bear Plunge, jeans, shoes, and all.
It wasn't until much later t that I realized one of my favorite earrings was absent from its usual spot in my ear lobe. Losing earrings is usually a non-issue because so few possessions are sentimental to me. They come, they go, I buy more. But this pair is special because they were my Christmas gift from my husband our first year of marriage. Losing one of them definitely made me sad. Figuring it came out in my futile struggle to stay dry, I vowed to search the back yard and pool in the morning. Then I didn't think about it again until 11 p.m. tonight. Armed with the flashlight on my phone, I said a prayer for God to show me where my earring was and walked outside. Immediately I spotted the small, shiny, earring-shaped treasure in the bottom of the deep end. Here I stopped and prayed again asking God to protect my phone. It's still very new because my prior new phone met its demise in water a week after I got it. I knew there'd be no living with my hubs if I baptized another phone, regardless of my good intentions. I carefully balanced the phone at the water's edge so I could keep the earring spotlighted while using both hands to maneuver the long pole with a net attached to retrieve it. Pool nets are designed to grab leaves, toys, even the occasional tomato (let's just call it a doggy fetch game gone wrong, and in case you're wondering, tomatoes do not float), not tiny pieces of jewelry. I finally conceded that the only way to get it out was to pick it up with my fingers.
More praying ensued as I undressed and thought about how painfully cold I was about to be. How I mustered the strength (and silence, because I tend to shriek loudly when I step or am thrown into cold water) to wade in up to my neck when no one's life was in peril can only be a testament to the hand of God at work. I was able to use my monkey toes to grasp the earring instead of getting my hair wet reaching to the bottom. Again, more merciful blessing!
Matthew 7:7 says, "ask and it will be given to you." Now I know that doesn't mean God is a magic genie and grants us whatever whim we desire. He is far more powerful and loving, and He withholds what isn't best for us. We don't give our kids sodas every time they want them because we are good parents and know what our children need. God is the ultimate dad, and he won't always let you have what's not healthy for you. (i.e. praying for A's on tests you didn't bother to study for may not render the desired results. Been there, tried that) But as a good dad, He wants to help us, and He cares about the things that matter most to us, even little earrings at the bottom of frigid pools.   

Mammogram survival 101

It has been 4 years minus one day since my last mammogram. I celebrated the anniversary by having to get another one. And let me tell you, I enjoyed this one just as much as the first. In case you're a virgin to the process, here's my recap: I was taken to a dressing room and given a gown, "tag goes in the back," and told to wait with the dressing room door open until they came back for me. Good thing I did! I kept thinking "this thing doesn't even come together in the front!" Then the door across from me opened, and the woman who emerged had a much more modest gown than mine!  Seems there were three arm holes to maneuver, and I had missed one. Glad I didn't parade down the hall bare-chested before the rest of the procedure even began.  That would have been awkward. Here's a selfie of my successful gown attempt.

Next, a stranger finagled my girls onto a butcher block one at a time and lowered a big plastic thing onto each one. A pasta maker would have been an equally fun way to go with the squishing process. The digital display on the boob smasher informed me that 16.8 pounds of pressure were holding me (or at least a very small part of me) to the block. I've been doing bicep curls with 15 pound weights for a while. It would seem I should have been conditioning my B cups instead. Now I'm cracking myself up in the naked waiting room because I'm picturing a dumbbell taped over my breast as I press 15 pounds :D What's the naked waiting room? It's the holding area where you sit in your gown that opens to the front while you wait to find out if you can get dressed or if they need to redo the fun part you just experienced. Well I got called back. Had to get an ultrasound. You know, where they dump axle grease on you and show you your baby. Except further north and no baby. I did get a chuckle though when I asked the tech if my lump was a boy or a girl. My awesome husband pulled strings to have my results read immediately by the radiologist. What a blessing. I highly recommend having a spouse with influence at a medical facility! I walked into the room with computer screens and gave my own recommendation for the place: "y'all need to get really short mammogram machines that smash testicles!" I was given a clean bill of health and asked to never return. 

In all seriousness, as opposite of fun as this was, breast cancer is immeasurably worse. Take care of your girls and get them smashed!!! It really could save your life. 

Weird Stuff My Kids Say

    I am very thankful my children all have voices and words. Some parents would give anything to have conversation with their children, and I try not to take it for granted that I get to...even when we have exchanges like we did today:
kid #3: "Mom, you just hate me!"
me: "Really? Then why did I buy you a new soccer ball today?"
#3: "So you could throw it at me!" (never happened. Don't call CPS)
me: "Then why wouldn't I have just thrown the old ball at you instead and saved the money?"
    Sometimes his dramatics are much sweeter. Like last week when we were reviewing his word list from school. Everything rhymed with cat. He read them without trouble until he got to F-a-t. He paused and said, "that's a bad word. I'm just gonna say 'chubby' instead."
    See friends? Reasons to count my blesssings. (insert maniacal laugh emoticon, which I haven't seen but would come in handy, along with an eye rolling one)
    Even more absurd than the things my children say to me at times are the things I overhear them saying to one another. Here are a few:
"Don't pull my eyelids. I mean it! Don't pull my eyelids!"

"I've caught a dead one before."
Sibling response: "oh yeah. Dead ones are easy to catch."

"I'm sorry you're not nice to me anymore."

"Close your eyes. I'm going to lead you somewhere. It's a surprise. Close them... Now duck your head a little. A little more. There! See? I told you the dog's crate smelled nasty!"
I know my world would be less messy, contain fewer trips to the ER, be quieter, and all around more peaceful, especially on road trips, if I had fewer children, but I seriously cannot imagine life without this beautiful chaos. They are absolute blessings from God, and I cannot WAIT to blackmail each and every one of them with all the embarrassing info I am archiving for when they start dating!!!

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say...Ever!

1.  "I think it's adorable that the boys miss the toilet. That pee smell is a sweet reminder that I have a family!"
2. "By all means go chase that bunny and trap it in a fishing net! You want to shoot it with your Air Soft gun too? Sure!"
3. "Hon, the kid just puked in his bed. You just go back to sleep and let me take care of it." actually, this might get said, but I guarantee you it is purely sarcastically, and you should get up and help immediately
4. "I would prefer you leave your dirty clothes all over the floor instead of tossing them into the hamper. I like the extra exercise I get picking them up."
5. "5 year olds with pacifiers are sweet."

6. "We should get a dog that will grow tall enough to lick dirty dishes in the sink and sample everything I'm cooking! Oh, and if it can turn on the faucet to get a drink, that would make the absolute best house pet!!!"

7. "Of course you can keep a makeshift bug house full of insects in your room. In fact, I insist on it. Need help catching some more?"

8. "Please sit in the car and honk at me until I finish getting ready to drive you to the store."

9. "Honey, it's fine with me if you let the 5 year old watch scary movies. If he gets scared at night, I'll stay up with him."

10. "You want to have one friend sleep over? Hmmm. I really think you should invite at least 8 of your friends. It doesn't even count as a sleepover unless there are nine 9 year olds in the basement."

11. "Whatever you do, please do not ever outgrow picking on your sister. It's too precious when you make her scream like a banshee."