true story

Today I will get to experience the thrilling joy of my first mammogram and a subsequent needle biopsy. My view of the whole ordeal is that someone's going to plop my girls onto a chopping block and smash them with a cold metal anvil. Then another stranger will take a large sharp thing, stab it into the flattened tissue and suck out the pieces just pulverized by the smasher. Should be fun. If I could get them to re-inflate the girls with a healthy dose of silicone (or helium to keep them upright longer), then it might not be so bad. Unfortunately, I fully expect to come home with matching flat, square imprints on my chest. If it's not as bad as that, I will be pleasantly surprised.

10 hours later:

Ok, it wasn't as bad as I had expected. First, all of me is in the same shape we started in. Not fully inflated, but not flat either. Second, it was quick and mostly painless, but by no means pleasant. And by a miracle, I completely avoided the needle, so that was a huge bonus.

My vision of the anvil smashing thing wasn't totally off base though. If you haven't been through a mammogram, let me tell you how to prep yourself. First, place one bare breast on your kitchen counter, cover with a plastic tray, and set a watermelon on the tray. Then repeat three times on each side. I offered to demonstrate for my husband using his man parts, but he declined.

There were also little stickers that the tech placed on each nipple. Not the kind of sticker you give kids for good behavior or the kind pop stars wear when exposing themselves, but a little round thing with a metal bb on it. I'm not entirely sure of its purpose other than to be a target. But if your going to squish the whole breat anyway, I don't know why you would need to aim for the tip of the iceberg. I learned later as I was dressing that the adhesive on these stickers is the same as you would find on a bumper sticker. Rip slowly or quickly, it's the same either way; if you don't bleed, you will still cry.
All in all, I was worried about nothing. I will not, however, be signing up to do it again anytime soon. If they start using the same method to screen for testicular cancer though, I will happily sit in the waiting room just to watch the patients faces as they leave. Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month!