Don't mind me, I'm just on my high horse

I don't always hold myself to the highest standard of moral and legal obedience, and while it makes me a total hypocrite, it's no excuse for why the rest of you don't behave yourselves! For instance, I have been known to speed on occasion, but I try not to break the sound barrier and make illegal turns. And certainly not at the same time! But some of you drive like John Cusack in 2012, outrunning tsunamis while dodging landslides. Stop it!

I'm also tired of people lying. I have lied. When my husband asks about the new shoes I have on, I tell him they've been in the closet for forever and hope that last Thursday counts as forever. If he asks me point blank when I got them, I tell the truth! My love for shoes doesn't supersede the trust between a husband and wife. Nor do I think shoes in any way compares to point blank telling the woman who birthed you that she's not about to have a grandchild when you know full well that she is! Sadly though, I know more than one idiot who has lied to their parents about expecting babies even when the moms outright asked, "are you expecting?" Who does that?! If they didn't want to talk about it, they had other options. Like keeping their mouths shut and their fingers off the keyboard until they were ready to come forward. It's not like it would be obvious. For most of us, we don't get big round bellies the instant the stick turns blue. At least not before the third pregnancy.

This tirade could go on for a while as I pick at wounds that have been festering for years. And I can say all that because I'm fairly certain the jerks who do that sort of thing don't read my blog. Not so sure about those who commit moving violations, but oh well!

And in the wise words of my lovely friend, "I'll step down from my soap box now."

The Monkey in the Middle

I just realized this title follows my blog about my phobia of chimps, and while the pun was unintentional, it's not without merit. My 4 year old daughter is sandwiched between two boys, and she is the light in our family. She's loving and adorable and unbearably funny. Just now her older brother was mixing an "experiment" that looked completely gross. So K says, "Collin's vulgar. He made vomit." Well said, Little One! The offhanded remarks she makes throughout the day keep me with a constant supply of amusing facebook statuses. Like her take on the new dress I wore to church last week. She told me, "You should NOT wear that! It makes you look married!" I guess I'll keep that in mind if I go out trolling for guys and try not to wear that dress.

Brutally honest also describes her. Just ask the sitter who was talking with K tonight about her necklace. When the sitter told her it was special and asked K if she liked it, my little monkey's response was, "no, there's nothing shiny on it." I could write a War and Peace-sized book on her obsession with all things sparkly and how I have to add rhinestones to her plain shirts just so she'll wear them.

Sometimes...she's just plain unbearable. In the store not long ago she loudly told me the lady in front of us was wearing ugly shoes, and once she asked if a person walking past us was a man or woman because she couldn't tell. There's just no graceful recovery from that kind of embarrassment.

Her sparkle and joy mixed with drama and difficulty make her a beautiful handful, and I think we'll keep her and pray that she grows into a blessed gem...who knows when to shush!

Chimpophobia

not long ago I had a dream that while I was cuddling my youngest, he morphed into a chimp. He was still cuddly, but I was terrified he would rip my face off, and I woke up in a sweat. Don't even want to know what that means in the psych realm. Now though we're watching an old sitcom with a chimp as a house guest, and I find myself again terrified that someone's going to lose an eye or something. One bad chimp on the news and I have a new phobia!

On the other hand, I had no fear whatsoever when my tiny babies would fall asleep on the floor next to our enormous rottweilers. Ironic I guess since there are many more reported cases of the family dog attacking a baby rather than rouge apes doing it. Then again, how many families have chimps for pets as opposed to dogs? No doubt the odds swing in my favor.

Are you smarter than a 6 year old?

I don't want to answer that question because I know for a fact that the child currently humming the world's most annoying tune in my ear is indeed smarter than I am! I've already shared how he tried to out-smart me with his bird v. snake logic. He's not that bright all the time though because he was typing the following essay when he was supposed to be cleaning the living room, so he missed out on the reward of swimming. He also has yet to figure out that humming in weird alien voices in my ear is not the right way to entertain me. Nonetheless, here's his essay:

Bunnies and dogs are not the same.

Bunnies are fun.

Bunnies are nice.

Nice people get nice things.

Black people back in the old time they dint get there way. Bob glob. I once went to the park and I plade.

We might not show this to the school counselor just in case she wants to have him tested for ADD. Also, we were blissfully unaware that he even knew there were varieties of skin colors until just now. Last fall I was trying to ask him the name of the boy at school who wanted to have a play date, but my description fell short and my son didn't have any idea which child to whom I was referring. I finally said, "there's one boy in your class with very dark brown skin who wants to know if you can come over to play. Who is he?" My son's reply was so blind and perfect, "Mom, everyone in my class has exactly the same skin as me, so I have no idea what boy you mean! I guess I can thank public education for opening his eyes and ruining his innocence.